If the Shoe Doesn’t Fit…

Dear Ask Miss Know it All,

I’ve been dating a girl for six months. And to be sort of frank, we don’t fit together if you know what I mean. Like, it’s impossible. Can you help?

Signed,

Hard to Fit

 

Dear HTF,

I intentionally didn’t exactly spell out what you shared with me. I am sure we all get the gist. First of all, I feel you. And without going into too much detail, let’s suffice to say that I get it.

What follows here may not make you happy but I feel like I totally owe it to you to just come out and say it. You know that saying, “If the shoe fits…?” Well, to be blunt you’re trying on the wrong shoes and that may be hard to hear but it’s true. I’ve lived long enough to know that a mutually gratifying intimate relationship is super key to happiness in a relationship. While I applaud your efforts of doing overtime (fore!) it won’t be enough in the end.

So, I’ve said what you probably already knew. And since you’ve had this “problem” before I guess you knew that was coming. I am sure you read in my disclaimer that I’m not a doctor or clergy or anything like that so please take what I say with a grain of salt. You know that saying, “It’s not the size of the boat it’s the motion in the ocean?” Well, in your case it is the size of the boat.

You will find the right fit for you. In more ways than one, we all are looking for that right fit. And believe it or not, lots of people can’t find that right fit. Be it emotional, physical, educational and all that jazz. That might not keep you warm but I guess the bottom line is that you will find the right person. And while all the other stuff you can do is fun you need more. And so does she. So, you’re lucky in one way; you’ve got your own built-in litmus test. Now you know, if the shoe don’t fit, shop around.

Your song is ‘Never Give Up Blues’ by Eric Burdon.

Miss Know it All

All Night Skates and Guys I Wanted to Date.

Dear Miss Know it All,

I have a group of friends that includes guys and girls. Recently I found out that one of the guys I like likes me back. The problem is that my girlfriend also likes him too. How do I continue with the friendship knowing she likes the guy who likes me that I like?  Phew.

Signed,

Three’s a Crowd

Dear Crowd,

Not knowing your age you’d think this would be a tough one to answer. But it’s not. Unfortunately or fortunately life is often much simpler then we are led to believe. But before I get to the simple part, let me get to the hard part.

This is going to sound funny and maybe an older woman in your life has said it (I hope so) but it’s true; boys come and go but friends are forever. Now having said that it’s not always true. You will befriend women in your life that will leave your head spinning and your reputation rockin’. So no, not all friends are equal and not all friends are meant to be with us until we take our last breath. But many will. And maybe your friendships will morph into something more mature and maybe you won’t see some of your friends for years at a time and maybe one of you will never send a card, pick up the phone or think to do anything that will show you she cares. But many times she does. I’ve not seen friends for years or heard from them and I’ve got to be honest with you, I’d take those girls into battle. Because good friends don’t measure friendship by what you’ve done for them or how many times you email or how many Christmas cards you sign. Good friends are measured in love.

Now, I’m going to go out on a limb and say that it doesn’t sound like you and this other girl are close. Since you seem to want to throw her overboard right after leaving shore. But I caution you. When we start patterns of leaving people because they don’t agree with us or because they make the situation uncomfortable we start going down a road that might be a bit lonely. Plus and this is the hard part; chances are great that you and your guy won’t die in each others’ arms or be calling hospice for the other or won’t be changing each other’s diapers. It won’t last. Unless you are old enough (and mature enough) to even be thinking that marriage is an option this too shall pass. And if you are young I hope it does. If I had married that one in high school or that one in college or that one after college I wouldn’t be sitting here. Married to the best one. For me.

This is the part that is simple. You can be friends with her and still date him at the same time. You should have a heart big enough to fit all that. And if it’s hard for the other girl to take (what with all your hearts, unicorns and flowers) then she will make the right choice for her. And if you and she are truly friends, it will be okay. In time.

I will tell you this quick one. When I was a kid, roller skating was the thing to do. And for some reason our parents thought it was a good idea to let us go to all night skates. Like get locked into a building with skates on our feet and boys all around. There was a guy I was so in love with. He was so cute. And he was such a good skater. I was convinced this guy was for me and but my friend liked him too. She was a better skater than me too now that I think of it. I don’t think that guy even knew I existed. I mean it. But he knew my friend did and if I remember correctly (it was the 80′s) he liked her back and they dated. Where are we today? She and I are still close and will always treasure a friendship that started when we were six years old. Where is he? Last time I saw a glimpse, he isn’t as cute as I thought he was and he still doesn’t know that I exist.

Your song is ‘Find out Who your Friends Are’ by Tracy Lawrence and Kenny Chesney. And I’ve picked out a special drink for you too. It’s a kale and pineapple detox juice. Might be just what you need to cleanse your palette http://thepigandthefig.com/2013/05/13/kale-pineapple-detox-juice/.

Good luck!

Miss Know it All

Is “Electricity” Necessary in the Bedroom?

Fireworks #1

Fireworks #1 (Photo credit: Camera Slayer)

Dear Miss Know it All,

Is “electricity” necessary in the bedroom?”

Signed,

Dimming Lights

Dear Dimming Lights,

Right off the bat I’m gonna admit one thing. When you said “electricity” I thought you forgot to the pay the power bill and your lights were off. Then I realized that you meant electricity.

Well, I don’t know about you but I see TV and the movies. The ones where the guy puts his hand behind your head as he pulls you into some passionate embrace and then he moves as slow as you want to go and goes where other men don’t go. I am sure I don’t need to say this but that is a bunch of bullcrap.

I mean maybe some of the time it happens that way like when he’s been away for two years on some top-secret navy seal mission but other than that, not so much. And I’ll just add that for most people, that kind of stuff happens a lot early on and then sporadically. It just depends on how many dishes need to be done, how much laundry is piled up, what the kids are doing and to the crux of it all; are the two people happy. Cause I think that might be where we really should be going for this one.

I think you may need to ask yourself if you are happy and feel connected. Because let’s face it, us chickadees need that crap. I mean stuff. Ask yourself this: “Self, am I happy? Is this working for me? Do I feel loved and cherished and respected?” And then your other self, the one we sometimes have a hard time listening to, just might give you the answer you are looking for.

I wish there was pixie dust. I wish you could think it away or put something on the telly or read something that would make it all better overnight. Unfortunately, love doesn’t quite work that way. I like to think about relationships in terms of the food pyramids we all grew up with. Except for this one, you’ve gotta put all that good stuff at the bottom and in the middle; trust, respect, laughter, joy, fulfillment, room to grow and change, negotiation…and then the YUMMY SEX comes at the top. You feelin’ me?

I wish you the best. I don’t like to use words like “deserve” but we all deserve to feel loved and respected and trusted. Find that person and you will be right as rain. Whatever that means.

Your song is “Lost in Love” by Air Supply.

Signed,

Miss Know it All

The Life of a Military Wife

Dear Miss Know it All,

I am a happily married woman and my husband is in the military. He is away often and I don’t believe in masturbation. Any suggestions on how to relieve the tension?

First of all–Disclaimer: If you are under 18, you might come back later. This answer may be a bit mature for the younger crowd. It also might be a bit mature for my friends too but let’s see what happens from here.

Dear tense,

First of all, I hope I can be helpful. Second of all, I’m not sure you will like what I have to say. Third of all, I’m guessing you won’t but here goes.

I think and I hope that since you wrote me that you are either curious or open to the idea of masturbation. Me thinks you doth protest too much. Masturbation seems to be one of those things that has so much shame around it. But let me get this straight. We make something that makes us feel good, bad. Come again? No pun intended. Now, I grant you that it’s not everyone’s cup of tea but hey when duty calls it might just be what the sergeant ordered. And if you really are super opposed maybe you need to think about why that is and if that’s not going to happen and you are really and truly opposed to it well then I guess there’s not a lot for a girl to do.

I mean I could prescribe a favorite hobby or a few trips to the movies with girlfriends but ultimately that is not going. to. scratch. your. itch.

I don’t know. I know some men have this thing about it. It can go either way. Some men might be intimidated by it and others are going to think it’s the cat’s meow and I hate to say it but you won’t know which your man is until you try. I’m bettin’ he’d dig it.

Ultimately you have to figure out what’s right for you. Masturbation is not like cutting bad bangs or chipping a front tooth. No one will know except you. And if you don’t like it, try it again and if you still don’t like it. Either try it again or let it lie.

I wish you luck. Having your man away so much of the time must have lots of challenges, “tension” just being one of them. Here’s to you and the man who serves our country.

Your song is ‘Are You Lonesome Tonight?’ by Elvis.

Cheers!

Attention! What to do When Things..ahemm..Come up.

Dear Miss Know it All,

I’ve been modeling nude for an art class and the other day “something came up”. Is there a cream I can use or something I can do so that this doesn’t happen again?

Signed,

Mr. Smith

Dear Mr. Smith,

Since I’m not a man I had to dig deep on this one. But I feel you and I get it. That would be embarrassing. I don’t care how mature a person is. It’s awkward. I’m that person who when the yoga teacher says coccyx..wait I know you think I brought up that word on purpose but I assure you it is purely coincidental. Anyhoo, back to coccyx. When my teacher says coccyx and pubic bone and genitals I about lose it. And I have to believe I am not the only one in the room who has the sense of humor of a 7th grader. Most of us think things like that are funny. But just as they are funny they are natural and I don’t know a lot of tricks and I surely don’t know of any creams that will keep “it” down. Here are a few ideas though:

  • Think about your mom. Think about how she used to cook your favorite meal. Unless this make you think of your favorite girlfriend and how she used to cook for you and in that case don’t go there.
  • Think about baseball. I don’t know why I say this. But baseball although lovely can be long and a bit dull so maybe sing ‘Take me out to the ballgame’ a few times.
  • Think about your dog that died when you were a kid. That will only work if you had a dog when you were a kid. That died.

At the end of the day it’s tough to control your man bit (s). No creme is going to help. Ice might. Cause I think that causes shrinkage. But other than that you’ve got two choices as I see it; don’t worry about it because if it’s anything like the opposite problem of impotence thinking about it only makes it much much worse and secondly, you might choose The Thinker (August Rodin) pose. It’s always been a favorite of mine and now I know why.

Cheers and pip pip and cheerio. Thanks for asking and your song is ‘A Song About Mama’ by Boyz II Men. That should about do it.

I’ve Got a Crush on You

Dear Miss Know it All,

I have a crush on a boy in my school but I don’t know if he likes me back! Please tell me how I can find out.

Dear Crush,

This is an age-old question and one that everyone I know has dealt with. I think we would all like to think we were always the crush(ee) but that would be a big fat lie. We’ve all pined a bit for someone. Even if it was in 7th grade. In Catholic school. At the dance. But ahem I digress.

This is easier to answer than you think. We all have this built-in thing called a truth teller and the truth teller inside of you (it’s like a little person on your shoulder) will give you guidance. You have to be sure to choose your crushes wisely. Pick the one you really like. Not the one your friends think you should. Pick the nice one. The one that listens in class (most of the time) and please for the love of all things good, pick a good guy. Let me save you a lot of time right now. Don’t pick the one that your parents wouldn’t want at their table or the one that skips class to go smoke or go hang out at the mall. Believe me when I say this; don’t waste your sweet and lovely and precious time on anyone less than amazing.

Now, let me give you an option just in case you don’t have that truth teller thing. You could tell him (or have a friend tell him) (although it’s been a while since I was in middle or high school I know this is acceptable). I know. It’s a shock to think about telling someone how you feel. But if this guy is worth it and he is all things opposite of what I warned you about earlier then maybe it’s worth a shot. And if he doesn’t share your feelings you have a few options:

  • Look the other way in the hallway and pretend you don’t see him (but hold your head high)
  • Get new bangs cut
  • Go out with his best friend

Just kidding.

Let me share something with you. When I was in college, I told a boy that I liked him. This was after weeks (perhaps days) of thinking about how perfect we would be together. I told him and guess what he said, “Thanks but I don’t feel the same way about you.” Whoa. Total. And. Utter. Embarrassment. Fast forward a bit. I ended up dating his friend. What? I told you that was an option. He turned out to be one of the sweetest boys in my life and we are still friends 20 years later. And the other guy? The one that said he didn’t like me? Well I saw him about five years after that and guess what he said? “I did actually like you. I was just too afraid to tell you.” This was so funny and I was so glad that he didn’t “like” me in the first place. Why would I want to be with a guy who scares so easily. A guy that tells me five years later that he actually did like me. That let me walk away feeling like a total idiot. No thank you.

Bottom line: Listen to your gut. Your truth teller. The more you hone that skill now the better off you will be because I hate to break it to you but this won’t be your last crush. I hope there will be many for you. Because there is nothing quite like having a crush on someone and having them like you back. Nothing.

Your song is ‘Dancing with Myself’ by Billy Idol.

Setting Your Sag: Nope, Not Talking About Your Butt.

Dear Miss Know it All,

How do I set up my shock? Is it weight related or is it terrain related? Help!

Dear Shock Woman,

Let me begin by saying that this is one of my favorite questions yet.  And that’s because I had to laugh when I realized that you actually thought I would know the answer. OMG. If I had a dollar for every time people thought I knew something I didn’t. Well, I looked it all up and yes, I even watched videos. But I LOVED it because (A) Bike videos usually have cute bike guys even if they are a bit skinny and (B) It got me out of doing the laundry for a few minutes and (C) I actually learned something.

First of all, you can easily download your suspension guide from the website. Mine would be Trek. What can be tricky is if your bike is a bit older. Like mine. But anyhoo, suspension calculators are helpful. After you’ve lied about your weight (including your gear) you can get to work. If you want you can watch the videos. It’s worth it just to hear the guy say shaft and to see him pull the O ring up as he says it. I know. I’m still in 8th grade.

In fact, watch the video. And don’t fret. SAG is a fancy small little word that means how much your suspension compresses when you are on your bike. And remember your “weight” includes your gear, your snacks and your tools. It will be the first time in your life you round up on your weight. And when it comes to SAG, you can adjust it according to your riding style. If you do lots of jumps and drops, you’ll probably want to run less SAG and have a higher spring rate. If the last video didn’t do it for you and you like a man with an accent, I LOVED this video.

 

O.K. your song is ‘Shock Me’ by Kiss. (this video is worth it just to see the guy’s super loooong tongue)

Thanks for asking!

SLBB: Sore Lady Bits & Blisters

Loose-fit, black, bike capris / cycling knicke...

Loose-fit, black, bike capris / cycling knickers shown photographed on a mannequin. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Dear Miss Know it All,

My lady bits sometimes get sore when I ride a lot. And sometimes I get these blister-like things. It’s mildly embarrassing (with my boyfriend) and uncomfortable. Please help!

Dear Sore Lady Bits & Blisters,

Wow. I totally feel you. It’s no fun when the lady-bidness is unhappy. And I totally love that you wrote me rather than asking your doctor what to do. I will tell you right now, your doctor might have been a better choice. But let’s see what I think.

I can only imagine that by lady bits you mean lady bits. At the beginning of the season, many of us have to get used to the saddle again. Which means a sore ass and possibly a bruised like feeling down there (sit bones). But that should recede with time and in my experience, pretty quickly. If your lady bits are sore then you might need to look into a different saddle. And I think this is like the Salt-N-Pepper lyric, “Opinions are like a-holes and everyone has one.” People have strong feelings about their saddle. I have a saddle with a cutout. Now, does that actually take the pressure off or do my lady bits fit in there. Not a clue. But now a days you can get a saddle with either a cut out or just a specifically designed saddle to take the pressure of those “hot spots” (love that they call it that).

As for blisters…as long as you know your partner isn’t sleeping around you can safely assume it’s bike related. Some people will argue it’s all about the chamois, others will say the saddle and yet others will say, saddle position. I say this. Buy the most comfortable padded shorts or bike undies you can find. Be sure it covers your sit bones. Each time after you ride, it’s a bit like hanging out your laundry. Wash and dry your lady bits completely. And then apply some Gold Bond Medicated powder down there. It will be tingly. That can be a good thing I guess.

Well, I’ll leave it at that. Bottom line (no pun intended): Don’t let anything get in your way of riding your bike. Figure out all you can and do all you can and then know that with lots of awesome things comes a bit of discomfort at least temporarily.

Your song is, ‘The Passenger’ by Lunachicks.

Hills: A Love Hate Love Story.

Mountain bike strobism

Mountain bike strobism (Photo credit: purplemattfish)

Dear Miss Know it All,

I hate riding hills. I know it will make me stronger but I hate them. Don’t hate me but how do I stop hating the hills and stop hating my friends who like them?

Dear Hill Hater,

Hills are tough. I’m not going to lie to you (not yet), it can be hard to get yourself psyched up for something you don’t like. I can tell you all day long why it’s important to do it, but that won’t make you like them. So, plan B is to give you some fun stuff to think about while you go up them.

Number one: fantasize. About what you ask? Whatever fills your tubes. For me it’s about someone coming to clean up boy pee from the walls, toilets, and floors. For you, it might be about getting an all expense paid vacation to Albuquerque.

Number two: Stroke (not that way) yourself. Tell yourself how amazing you are. How fast you are. How strong you are. How awesome you look in your lycra. Tell yourself whatever it takes to get to the top of that hill.

Number three: Pretend. Pretend the fastest one up the hill dies last. Pretend the first one up the hill will have the least amount of wrinkles in 20 years. Pretend whatever you want. Just pretend. NIKE can totally borrow that from me. For a small price.

Number four: Last but not least, buck up. Hills make you stronger and even if they don’t, doing something you don’t want to do, will.

Thanks for asking!

Your song is ‘Fighter’ by Christina Aguilera.

Lovely, Luscious, Lustrous Lilacs

Dear Miss Know it All,

Why are lilacs so abundant this year?

Dear Lilac Lover,

Lilacs are lovely aren’t they? And just in case this doesn’t become clear in the next few sentences, I have z-e-r-o idea why they are so abundant. We might ponder if they are actually more abundant or if you are as they say, taking more time “to stop and smell…the umm…lilacs.” But I’ll run with this for a bit.

Lilacs (like a good marriage) are super hardy. They come out full force in the spring with everything they’ve got like a boxer from a rough and poor family who knows he has one shot in the ring to make it big. Lilacs are also drought tolerant (again, like a good marriage) and so they are a wise choice for the Colorado gardener. They transplant easy too which is why we see so many of them I guess.

Being the super aware person I am (otherwise why would I have an advice blog?), I just realized today that I have white lilacs in my yard. I thought lilacs were always purple. So I cut some and put them in a vase to remind me of my hardiness and my drought tolerance.

I suppose if I had to pick a plant to ponder, lilacs are a good one. Great traits, no thorns and easy to grow. What a great metaphor for all of our relationships in our life. And stopping to appreciate their awesomeness, well that’s a nice thing to do with our loved ones as well.

Thanks for asking!

Your song is ‘Stop and Smell the Roses’ by Mac Davis.

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